just like today

 a whole year.. since..
the beginning of the ends
the beginning of all beginnings 
the ages of wreck and ruins
the era of no longer the same
the start of the long nights
crying the heart out
the bleeding eyes
sleep deprivation
being insecure
living misery
walking dead....

going back

cannot not keep going back...

tearing him apart

night after night

in the shadow of the dark

a picture worth a thousand words

wish i knew how to draw

wish i knew how to play with brushes

wish i were good with papers and colors

it would've helped me tell better

would've helped me describe the way i am

what i have become

i would draw a man of shadow

with a hat and missing pieces of his figure

all over

showing his decaying soul

as he barely moves forward

like he were pushing his feet

one by one

to make take small steps

i would draw another shadow

of someone sitting in silence

by the shore at the sunset

staring in the nowhere

with those overwhelmed heart and mind

just wish i could speak in pictures

and say without words

talk it all out with just a few lines

it would've been great

it would've been sweet

on days like these

hell alone

all broken and damaged

surrounded by pain

living in fear

so insecure

eyes bleed every night

nothing ever feels right

in all this mess

gotta be all alone

no one beside

no one to lean on

you don't help

you can't help

you're not there for me

can't knock someone else's door

nothing much left out there for me

all i can do is to try to walk through

day by day

just to keep everything from falling apart

carrying the load of the world on my shoulder

with no one to even wipe away one tear

ليست حياة

ليست حياة

تلك التي يغمرها الألم 

في كل تفصيلة منها

منفذ للألم

مع كل لحظة فيها

تأتي ذكرى مؤلمة

حتى تلك اللحظات السعيدة

لا تلبث أن تتحول هي الأخرى

لمصدر للألم

فكأنك تحيا الماضي 

في حاضرك وما حدث 

فكأن كل ما حولك إشارة

لما حدث

وكأن كل تفصيلة

تعيد عليك الحدث

nowadays last year.. every year

such a tough time to go! 

every day is a new battle 

every memory 

every thought 

every vision 

it's all like sharp knifes 

mercilessly slashing through 

unbearable pain 

hitting continuously 

blow after a blow 

such a long time it's been.. 

such a long time to go.. 

nothing can make it stop

nothing can relief the blue

fear

insecurity

taking over the mind

so frightening 

so intimidating 

afraid of all that's been 

afraid of all that's yet to unfold

afraid of what tomorrow may bring

such a long time it's been.. 

such a long time to go.. 

nothing can make it stop

nothing can relief the blue

every night story

and when the night comes

oh! it's the worst

everywhere is dark 

everything is silent

except the loud burning flames

of all that's inside

racing heartbeats

emerging flood of emotions

inside that grieving heart

tormenting him

body shaking

out of fear

devoid of defenses

afraid of what the memories

should bring this time

bitter sweet

bitter sweet

sorrowful joy

sad happiness

visual wrapped in visions

scarred beauty

turbid rivulet of emotions 

murky crystal view 

hopes dipped in fear

shadows in the light

insecure rest

no longer perfect 

not any more complete 

till the very last breath

wasn't sure he fully understands

not believing this might be true

didn't know if.. when.. how

with him shaking to the core

shaking intensely as if

there were a thousand earthquakes inside of him

with every single word

how it was like? it's something he can never describes

no words can ever tell

didn't realize back then

that he was all ruined for good

and it's just the wrecks of his soul

get to relive every moment 

every detail

get to live in this ablazing hell

till the very last breath

some time by the sunrise

maybe in another world

maybe another time

some time by the sunrise

we would've been friends

our paths have crossed

we didn't ask for that

we sure didn't ask for it

but so it happened

yes we're different

yes we probably don't like each other

yes we don't agree to the same views

but.. this is not what we're looking for

sometimes a man just needs to

share what can't be shared

talk without words

whisper his pain out in silence

sometimes all he needs is

to seek some relief

even for a moment

away from this

most unmerciful hurt 

and who'd feel it better

than the other end of the story

too bad now is not the time

too bad here is not the place

for it would've been perfect

just to have another someone

in the same place

doesn't know

doesn't know if he'll ever heal

all he knows that he's trying

has to keep trying

doesn't know if he'll ever be the same again

if the wounds will fade away

or they'll just leave scars

doesn't know if.. 

doesn't know if he'll ever find peace

or it's just insecurity that's all that's there for him

all he knows that he's not ok

all he knows that he's still bleeding

all he knows that the pain is just so real

حرب الإحتواء

فأحيانا يكون ما يختبيء بداخلنا أكبر منا

أكبر كثيرا من قدرتنا على الاحتواء

يكاد يمزقنا اشلاءا مبعثرة كي يتحرر

ونحن بالكاد نبقيه في الخفاء

حتما هي معركة خاسرة

أن نستمر في محاولة اخفاءه عن الأعين

حتما هو جهد كبير نبذله في الصراع

فلا بد أن ننفس منه شيئا حتى

يبقى منه ما نستطيع أن نبقيه في الخفاء،،

ثقل

كطائرٍ ضعيفٍ سقط منكسرًا

وتنكرت له باقي الطيور

انفضوا عنه جميعًا

حتى لم يبقْ سوى ذلك الذي

لم يغادر يومًا

احتمى الطيرُ به وعليه استند

ركن إليه في كسرِه

حتى تعافى وعادت إليه قواه

فما كان منه اوَّلَ ما كان

إلا أن طعنَ ذلك الذي هو آواه

أخبره أنه ثقلًا يعيقُ جناحيه

وتركه وانطلق في الطريق 

الرحلة

نعم الطريق طويل

نعم هي رحلة مرهقة جدا

حتما لم أكن أعلم حين بدأتها أنها بهذه الشدة

رحلة تطول مسافاتها كلما مشيت بها

تزداد طرقها تشعبا مع امتداد الطريق

تفاصيل كثيرة تظهر في ثناياها كلما طال المسير

نعم هي رحلة متعبة حقا

غير أنها ليست كغيرها من الأسفار

غير أنها.. غير أنها حتما.. ليست كغيرها من الأسفار

فهي رحلة لا تستطيع معها التوقف للراحة من شمس النهار 

وهي رحلة لا تستطيع إلغاءها والعودة للديار

و هي رحلة.. وهي رحلة ما ان تبدأ فلا سبيل عنها للفرار

رحلة تطلبها فتطلبك

وما أن تطلبك تتملكك

تملي عليك شروطها وليس لك

فيها غير أن تمضي حتى النهاية فلا خيار

البريئة

"عايزة بابااااااااا"

قالتها في بكاء حار وهي تنظر إلى أمها

هي صغيرة لا تعلم عن الحياة شيئا بعد

فقد تدرك أن لها قطبان للأمان تدعوهما "بابا" و "ماما"

وهي منذ فترة صارت لا ترى سوى أحدهما

فقد اختفى "بابا" منذ فترة

اخبرتها الأم انه في العمل كما هو الحال دائما حين يكون غائبا في عمله

إلا أنها طفلة صغيرة.. لا تستوعب ولا يحتفظ عقلها بالتفاصيل لفترات طويلة

فلا تلبث أن تتسائل بصوتها الملائكي الصغير "هو بابا فين؟!"

فتشرد امها تارة.. وترد عليها بأنه مازال في العمل تارة

فتنهمر الطفلة في البكاء بضع دقائق قبل ان تعود إلى لعبها

وهكذا.. في كرات وكرات

وهي لا تدري أنها لم تره منذ أشهر طويلة

وهي لا تدري أنه لن تراه ثانية

what it is like

well

it's like..

rivers of sadness running deep inside

grave pain takes down every bit of you

bad thoughts and bad thoughts only

messing with your head

tightness of chest that suffocates you

restlessness.. insecurity.. fear.. anxiety 

feeling the urge to cry it out

but tears wouldn't drop 

as if pain didn't wanna leave 

it's a hell of a feeling 

it's taking all of you